Personality of your relationship | Psychology today

Each relationship has its own personalityThat is, a “quality” or “character” distinct from the traits that each individual brings to the table. Although this idea may seem strange, it is a simple concept from the field known as the science of complexity, in particular the model of “self-organizing systems”. The result is that living systems require the balance between change and stability to maintain their core identityWhile developing and expands simultaneously and that this process cannot be directed in advance, but must take place with the important element of the spontaneous emergency of new experiences.

In addition to the consciously shared work of construction of connections, relationships require their members to surrender (to a certain extent) to the new thing that is becoming their partnership, from which we mean, accepting that their joint dynamics will attract them in directions that none of the parties would plan or plan. As to grow a child, a point is reached where couples must allow their autonomy, novelty and space for risk assumptionAll the time keeping an open communication. Problems develop, however, if they are unable to tolerate the anxiety This involves uncertainty – what could happen – putting their connection at risk to vanish. For some, this also makes them try to control the shape that the relationship takes, causing serious problems.

An example of this is Judith and Ryan, whose relationship was almost ruined by anxiety. Judith Reflected on How She Untorestimated What Can Happen When Passion Meet, OR Perhaps, Cold: “I was sure That Ryan’s Little ‘Pecultity’ Were What Had Always Caused the Trouble Bethaeen Us. Nobody’d Warned Me That The Way Two People ‘Meet’ In Relationship Becomes This Unpretical ‘Third Thing’—Kind of a Wild-Card That Nobody’s Really to Blame for.

Irritation is a defensive construct that is formed like the wild postcard intimacy It develops in a relationship. Psychological defenses are survival mechanisms that we create to help us navigate in the anxiety of everyday life, usually ignoring or dissociation from the awareness of anxiety.

“What was really strange was when I realized that my habit of scapegoat Ryan was part of undermining that” wild-card-tahing “that really helps the relationships to come to life. Strangely, I was not doing it alone: ​​Ryan collaborated actually accepting the role of Capro Exclaim.”

“Even if”, Ryan jumped inside, “I wanted to see that I was getting in agreement with Judith’s shots so that he felt better. He didn’t really hurt me: I love Judith and I was sorry for her. I had the idea that letting her download it on me was helping him.

“Yes,” said Judith. “And every time I had discussed with me, I would have angry so much. I thought I was stubborn not by allowing me to” help you “and that if I had only listened to me, everything would be better for you. In a certain sense I knew I didn’t agree with what I was saying, but I thought I could be forced to pick you up.”

“Yes, I know. And I thought I was helping you to make you believe. Fun, what we were really doing was a stone wall so as not to be able to approach each other.”

The instrument of the authors to identify and treat this type of defense from intimacy is called 40-20-40. It is a technique that helps couples and others to appoint the models and behaviors of thought that prevent the development of proximity, moving them towards health care. Using specific conflicts and problems of couples, the 40-20-40 resolves anxiety and unrealized needs that act as a barrier to intimacy by teaching the couple to articulate their fears both for themselves and for the other.

“It was not easy to see how my” help “Ryan was just a way to distance the distances. But my insistence that I knew that better was ruining everything,” said Judith. I kept telling me that it was “the bad” and I even diminished it in front of our friends. It was disgusting. ”

“Yes,” Ryan agreed. “And I was becoming kind on, which simply worsened everything.”

The dynamics of irritation originates in families where the expression of feelings and vulnerability is discouraged. Over time this develops in barriers that protect us from anxiety and pain caused being close to each other. The unintentional consequence is that family members are left in an apparently inexplicable insulation from each other.

“I don’t know how it happened, but one day I realized how far you would become far away. And for some reason, Duh! The kids came out: I had created this by gathering all the time, so much so that our friends have noticed and sometimes I stressed what I was doing. But I always brushed it, saying that you needed it.”

“Yes,” Ryan replied. “And I just hugged him, even if he surely made you look bad for our friends.”

Working through irrelevance often begins when the pain of clinging to a defect is greater than Fear And the discomfort of letting him go: a defense of the relationship character such as the emotional distance is similar to what psychologists call a “defect of the character” or “defect” that can be faced psychotherapy. Through this process we can accept our past – and the ways in which it materializes defensively and defective in our relationship – with compassion and enter our present with a new image and experience of our relationship and ourselves. Mental health – a process of donation and reception, love and acceptance of love – will open the door to new possibilities of healing, love, intimacy and growth.

“One day I woke up with stomach pain,” says Judith. “You seemed so far away. I thought my life was finishing. I would have hit a wall and I could not have seen in any way. I can’t believe I was able to tell you. But you listened, even if it had passed a long time since I deserved to have listened to me. In some way, however, it was sufficient to start changing everything.”

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