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After Fernando had actually married Zak, he became increasingly aware of how much intimacy frightened him, even with his husband. He said this in this way:
“In reality I had passed: I married Zak and we had decided to adopt and we were going through the screening process with the adoption agency. Well, when they started to interview us, I was able to hear it: my head was up to my old games. I was faithful to Zak, but in a fun way I was still keeping in reserve: the opportunities to spend work in silence, alone or to meet him for lunch when they are at work. The adoption thing has just added the juice to it. “
Many of us think of love as delicate, fragile and susceptible to fall at any time; Or, perhaps more often, that love is destined to vanish while the honeymoon closes. But in his latest book, Can love last?: The fate of romanticism over time, psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell claims that the challenge placed by long -term relationships is not the fading of the early stages of romanticism. Instead, the challenge is to commit to continuing to build opening And intimacy. And for many of us, this is the truly frightening part, one of the greatest challenges and delights of life and tragically where we fall.
According to Mitchell, the so -called transient of Love often indicates that we are deliberately risking management. But despite the anxiety This derives from the risk, a genuine love can survive and grow if we become aware that we are unconsciously protecting ourselves from that risk. This approaches the idea of Irrelationship: The purpose of irrelevance is to provide coverage from the increase Risks connected to intimacy.
“Before I even meet Zak, I took a break from connecting with a boy after another. I knew it was what I was doing, that’s okay, even vain for my collection of trophies to my friends. But at the same time, I always complained of I wanted a True fiancé. I had never stopped considering the impact that my behavior could have had on that idea. I paid the lip service while I was really running from it at full speed.
“Now I can see that I sabotage to be involved with someone in two different ways. If a boy made me know that he was interested in more than sexI would tell him My job was too demandingOr my blog took too much free time for something. I also told a guy that I didn’t have time for dating Due to my volleyball championship! The other way I reduced romanticism was to extract that old line, “can we be just friends?”
“I always thought I was just” honest “, so I didn’t” disappoint “the other boy. I certainly didn’t ask myself if something was wrong Me.
“But Zak took me totally abruptly. I still don’t know how it happened. He never asked me if I wanted to become constant boyfriends or anything else. Later I discovered that he was nervous as I was. However, for any reason, I could not take me to push Zak out of the door; and apparently, not pushing him away from myself or running away on his own, in some way we ended up getting married.Before We got married!
“The fun thing is that, after Liza’s birth, that voice continued to ask me, ‘is this Truly The boy you want to enter That deep with – with a child? And Zak knew it because he had seen my deed of disappearance in action always: do not return to the phone calls, work late, all the usual BS. But he let him go without going crazy. “
According to Mitchell, Romantic love must not suffocate Fear of vulnerability; Even if, as he says, connect erotically with someone who actually knows could deepen the sense of danger. But when the temptation to escape presents itself, as long as the situation is not harmful or offensive, instead of doing what you have always done, you stay around to see what will happen later.
“Sharing the chores, invoices, boring Everyday stube, it wasn’t what I was thinking when I met Zak. It was: “It’s so hot and I will have it every night! ‘And – a full disclosure – I kept an eye on the emergency exit for a long time. But instead of surrendering to fear, in reality we have become good speaking Speaking of which. Talk about not doing what I had always done! And the funny thing is that maintaining that mutual opening makes the sharing of the bed even more wonderful, even if we are too tired to speak even when Liza makes sleep.
Essential Reports Reports
“I have never known that the same true real of can be a huge part of what we love to be together. It doesn’t matter what else is going on, our commitment with Liza continues to increase our mutual commitment. It was not what I thought I was signing!”
References
Mitchell, SA (2003). Can love last? The fate of romanticism over time. New York: Norton.
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