The power to give – in action

That generosity And compassion is good for our health is always a popular topic between self-help authors and researchers. Most of us require little to convince that the world would be a better place if we were kinder with each other and for ourselves. Research indicates that generosity increases happiness (Dunn et al., 2008), the satisfaction at work increases (Moynihan et al., 2015), promotes collective success by improving collaboration (Stewart & Plotkin, 2013) e caregiving It improves our general sense of well -being (Poulin et al., 2010). The generosity in married couples is associated with both greater happiness and better results on long -term health (national Marriage Project, 2011). In addition, doing a volunteer work is associated with the improvement of mental health and physical well -being (Jenkinson, et al., 2013).

So why are we no longer generous?

Part of the answer seems to be that, while generosity seems good “on paper”, it is not so easy to give life. Take the case of Emma and Janelle:

“While I was leaving the door on a Saturday morning,” said Emma, ​​”I received a call from my doctor.” Emma, ​​”he said,” I’m sorry I said you, but the tests we did show that you have ovarian cancer. I’m sorry to call you during the weekend, but I thought it was important. We have to start the treatment immediately. “”

“Immediately I felt like my life was over – that suddenly everything I was looking forward to was death – and probably a painful.

Immediately after hanging up, my friend Janelle called. “You don’t believe it,” I said. “I just came out of the phone with my doctor. I have ovarian cancer. How much they still are they don’t know, but – ovarian cancer! I’m so happy to hear your voice: I can’t think.”

“Oh, Emma!” Janelle replied: “I’m so sorry! But it’s strange that it is happening Now Because Mike just told me he’s moving! He said he hasn’t loved me for years, that he and this girl I have been working with for over a year! I had no idea! My God! But how strange it is that we both received terrible news at that moment! “

What does this conversation tell us about Emma and Janelle’s report?

Emma could reasonably feel that Janelle, whose life crisis is certainly real, would not see it as on par with the potentially lethal disease of Emma. In fact, many of us could see Janelle’s reaction as a deal when it comes to continuing theirs friendship.

“I just said to Janelle that I have a type of cancer from which many women die, but he could only focus on leaving it of Mike. It was like a second instinctive fist. But then, I knew Janelle well enough to know how vulnerable is. Friends. But in reality he also has qualities that I can appreciate.

“Janelle gives it for granted that others welcome it, let’s call it, ah, immaturity. And I would feel like it – so much at some point I have been kept at a distance for over a year. ha In reality I was there for me when I need a hand with things. It seems that accepting each other as we really are changed what is friendly with her. Not that I expect, or that he offered himself, to take me from chemo every week, but when I ask you for help directly with something, he presents herself for me. “

Emma integrated her intuitions and feelings on Janelle allowed her to approach the crisis of Janelle’s relationships Compassionate empathy. The result was a surprisingly deeper connection with her friend.

However, it is not always how these situations take place. Relationships in which a participant always does the “donation“(A role usually learned at the beginning childhood) While the other participant makes all the results of “taking” in isolation for both sides, a dynamic that the authors call “Irrelationship. “His opposite and antidote is the development of a balance between donations and reception in and for both sides: a state that the authors call”health care. “

Emma learned more about the mental health health care while she was getting chemotherapy: “It was so difficult that sometimes I wanted to die. And that of Janelle divorce He was playing at the same time. Even if I was not at its best, I would have taken the phone and I would call it, which has always been done Me Feel better even if it has always been captured by Janelle. In fact, I think it was probably a great part of why his marriage is over. I remember that, at the beginning, Mike always tried to please her. But I can easily imagine that he got tired of the decreased returns that he has finally started looking elsewhere. I don’t want to compare my relationship with Janelle with her wedding, but I’m fine by accepting it as it is. However, I’m happy not to be married to her. “

References

Dunn, EW, Aknin, LB and Norton, Mi (2008) spending money for others promotes happiness, Science, 3191687.

Jenkinson, CE, Dickens, AP, Jones, K., Thompson-Coon, J., Taylor, RS, Rogers, M., Bambra, CL, Laing, I. & Richards Sh (2013) voluntarily offering a public health intervention? A systematic review and a meta-analysis of the health and survival of volunteers. BMC public health. 23 August 2013; 13: 773.

Moynihan, DP, Deleire, T., & Enami, K. (2015) A life that is worth living: evidence on the relationship between prosocial Motivation, Career Choice and happiness. American Review of Public Administration. 4(3): 311-326.

Poulin, MJ, Brown, SL, Ubel, PA, Smith, DM, Jankovic, A. & Langa, km (2010). Does a hand of help mean a heavy heart? Help And well -being among the spouse’s caregivers. Psychology and aging, 25108-117.

The state of our unions, Marriage in America (2011) The National Marriage Project, University of Virginia Institute for American Values, downloaded on 5/5/2016 from http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/union_2011.pdf

Stewart, A., & Plotkin, JB (2013) from extortion to generosity, evolution in the iterate Prisoner dilemma. PNA,11015348-15353.

To order our book, click Here. Or for a free e-book sample, Here.

Join our mailing list: http://tinyurl.com/irrelationshipsignup

Visit our website: http://www.irrelationship.com

Follow us on Twitter: @Irrelation

Like us Facebook: www.fb.com/theirrelationship

Read our Psychology Today Blog: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/irrelationship

Add to your RSS feed: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/irrelationship/feed

The IRRALATIONSHIP (“our blog post” blog post is not intended to replace professional advice. We will not be responsible for any losses or damage caused by your dependence on the information obtained through our blog post. Please ask for the opinion of the professionals, depending on the case, regarding the evaluation of any information, opinions, advice or other specific contents. We are not responsible and we will not be held responsible for third -party comments on our blog post. Any comments from the user on our blog post that at our exclusive discretion limits or inhibits any other user to use or enjoy our blog post is prohibited and can be reported today to Sussex publisher/psychology. The IRRALATIONSHIP GROUP, LLC. All rights reserved.

SaveSave